Posted: September 26, 2011 in Culture, Everything else, Family
Tags: , , , , ,
Grainy B&W image of supposed UFO, Passoria, Ne...

Image via Wikipedia

And now for something totally different. As life would have it, things happen to show who you really are, not who you would like to be. Quick caveat: By no means do any of the following statements refer to the writer, far be it from me! Enjoy and comment if you have more ideas along these lines!

You might be middle-aged if…

…you start seeing more and more younger people than yourself everywhere.

…you wake up one morning with UFOs (Unidentified Fighting Objects) running around your home. You have no idea how they got there. They have a lot in common with their more space-y siblings: They can go at warp speed, turn on a dime against all the laws of physics, and their heads are disproportionally big for their bodies. Oh, and they also have big, wide eyes and they may talk in a foreign language!

…you end up driving a big honkin’ SUV or even better, a family van that you desperately try to call your “man van” (who the heck came up with that stupid name anyway?) Sorry, dude, you can call it whatever you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that while driving it, you look enviously at other guys in their real cars and imagine the roar of a real engine instead of the 4-cylinder you had to settle with, because your kids ate up all your car savings!

…your hair stops growing where it should and starts growing where it shouldn’t.

…your “me time” consists of endless “yes dears”, referee sessions with the aforementioned UFO’s and falling on your bed before it all hits you again in the morning.

…your body starts telling you what you can and can’t do instead of the other way around.

…you start finding out that most all of your favorite foods and drinks will not just be passing through, but are deviously setting up permanent residence above your buttocks (love handles) or/and around your bellybutton (heart-attack fat!) Cheeks and necks are also favorite spots for these permanent vacationers, and that’s just for men. By this time, self-preservation instinct has taught this writer to not even go to the ladies!

…you have a cup of coffee at 7PM thinking it won’t affect your sleep, but the caffeine ends up keeping you awake until 2AM while you keep thinking about the endless possibilities of writing a blog titled “You Might Be Middle-aged If…”

…one of the aforementioned UFOs ends up waking up to a nightmare or getting sick, keeping you up in the middle of the night. Hey, that was your “me time!”

…the same UFO wakes up at 6AM and jumps on your bed playing his video game. Hey, that was your “me time!”

…you find out that your scepter, the tv remote, starts mysteriously levitating all around your home, never to be found in the crucial last minutes and seconds before start of the game. In time, it will pass permanently into the hands of the aforementioned UFOs to symbolize the switch of power on the throne of your home.

…you start finding out that more and more of your favorite foods will give you heartburn or mess with your body in unending ways.

…you start realizing that it takes less and less luck and more and more hard work and focus to reach your goals.

…you look enviously at younger guys with ripped bodies and can’t even make it to the gym three times a week to stay in some kind of decent shape, not to mention just stepping out the door and taking a short walk!

…you convert your garage into a “man cave.” Cut it off! The last time men lived in caves, they were cavemen. (A joke, lighten up, you religious readers!)

…you work your butt off to bring in the bread only to find that it ran out because the store didn’t happen to have it that day.

…you realize that the lyrics in the old song, “Yeah, money talks, mine always says goodbye” are not only true, but that it feels like you’re the only one it happens to. Rest assured, you’re definitely not! The more money, the bigger the pile it says “goodbye” in!

This might just be the tip of the iceberg. Chime in and leave a comment if you have ideas about the issue!

  1. Donald Mills says:

    Helpful tips. I wish more people in their mid-forties would wake up to the fact that they’re middle-aged and stop dressing like 14-year olds.

    Really, I’d be quite happy if I never had to see one more graying, sagging middle-aged male hipster strutting around with a hoop earring, ironic t-shirt, and camo shorts.

  2. Karoliina Nauha says:

    You might be approaching middle-age if…
    … you read this blog and want to laugh but instead catch yourself fretting about the next morning and the first daily sighting of the UFOs, which happens before the crack of dawn while the original blogger is happily sleeping with earplugs deep in his auditory canal. You also realize that even the few moments typing up this reply could have been used to bank a few more precious minutes of sleep. Love, Wifey

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